I never realized how much I love to eat, yet how liat it is for me to makan. How I fight tooth and nail to not eat, to not put that piece of tasty salmon puff dripping in oil into my mouth. It’s looking at Big Apple donuts and feel like vomiting thinking of the amount of sugar and how sweet it is.

Maybe I’m just being super picky these days. I look at broiled chicken and steamed carrots and broccoli and my mouth is salivating. And that perfect peach tart and I feel like a pig stuffing four down at once. I remember that lala masak pedas and that sirap bandung and I feel an itch start.

Yes, he sure has a hard time making me eat. Yet I am forever grateful that he listens to every little whim and demand I have.

‘Nak sushi!’

‘Jom pegi Delicious!’

‘I nak that peach tart!’

‘LOOK AT THAT FUDGE CHOCOLATE! SEDAP GILA SEYYHHH!’

‘you, hot chocolate kat coffee bean tu, macam sedap je.’

‘Mama kasi cupcake M, for Miza.’

My ring is pointed on the inside these days. It states to the oblivious world, dipunyai oleh Kucing Manja. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a long time. Feed me!!

The new word of the semester: social climber – someone who seeks social prominence by obsequious behavior. What is it about being in that social stratum that forgives you to abandon your principles? Do your words mean nothing to you? Do they not hold any weight anymore? Am I allowed to perceive every promise made as an eventual hypocritical claim?

Bad aura surrounds you. People talk what people see. It's the way of the world, and as much as you hate it, it won't stop. It's a lie you're living in. People laugh with you but behind your backs, they talk. What's the point of friends who stab you when you sleep? It's pathetic the way you seem so proud of what you do when day by day people stop respecting you for the choices you make.

3 more days and counting.

Masa; kau berlalu, oh begitu cepatnya.

Ku tak bermampu nak mengumpul kata-kata ku, sebelum pulang di alam situ. Mula hidup baru,mati diri ku yang lama. Mampa kah ku bertahan?

Mama sprained her ankle at Zouk.

Yes, the mother of all nightclubs.

No, she was not there to club. There was a fashion show hosted by the tourism students from Sunway.

She was horrified at how dark it was.

It’s just another testament to her old age.

Lately, perhaps I’m more and more aware of how age is catching up to all of us. I’m onto my 2^nd year in uni, Kakyun graduated and Kak Aida should be doing her practical soon.

Ayah speeds and I find that horrifying. Mama complains about being tired all the time. No one’s at home when uni opens and we all learned to clean up after ourselves.

Soon, Ayah will retire and mama will be bored at home with no one to nag. We’ll have to take over responsibilities at home, support them like how they support us.

Grow up, be responsible. Think about other people, don’t be selfish. Be self sufficient, know how to change a light bulb or even squish a roach. Know your style, your taste, what you want, what you need, how to go about it.

Boo.

To everyone else going back to university, have fun, it’s a whole new ball game but I’m sure we’ll survive out there somehow. After all, we’re Subang people. Stereotyped and often misjudged, but we’re better then they think we are.

Cheers people.

Perhaps your biggest weakness is selfishness.

Often at times, I feel like I’m floating in the sea of nothing-ness. Simple words which wouldn’t have hurt me now plunge into my heart like sharp daggers meant to hurt. Ripping the old wounds apart, creating fresh ones.

I don’t want to be that someone you make of me. I don’t want to assume the role and when you push me into it, the more I hate you for it. All of you.

I am hurt more than any of you know. And I am alone with no one to tell, and no one to understand. Where were you when I needed you? I tried talking but the words won’t come out and you just didn’t hear what I wasn’t saying this time.

Yes, perhaps I’m too much of a private person to ever let anyone know what truly is bothering me. I know more things than you realize. More than I’ll ever let on. Just an observer and a collector of information. What you do, is of your consequence and I shall give advice when I want to.

I am angry, and confused and hurt.

I’m a jumbled mess of emotions and I can’t sort it out like I normally do. I just need you tell me that it’ll all be alright.

Please.

I'm waiting for the course registration page to be open when it specifically said that it'll be open at 9. It's 930. I hate Malaysian timing.

I'm going back to Penang in 2 weeks. Well, 12 days to be exact. I'm going to be a senior this time. And I've got a strange of mix of expectation, excitement and dread for the upcoming semester. Last semester, thinking back, was slightly hectic, my schedule was full.

There were lots of fights in the beginning with him. Too much to the point where I couldn't imagine the time when it was all good and that we were fine. It consumed me, to the point where I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I knew it was dragging me down when I ended up crying in English class. See, English class is boring, its mindless routine work and when I'm busy with my hands; it leaves my mind free to fleeting thoughts dipping in and out of my consciousness. Next things I knew, bam, I had tears and had to be excused from that lesson.

We took a break.

I felt lost somehow; I defined myself as his girlfriend for so long that I forgot how different I can be when I'm around different people. So I went out with course mates, met new people, I started being the gregarious person I once was again. Along the way, he found someone else, rebound or someone he truly loved more than me, I can never know. But it is definite that we grew out of each other. We changed the time we weren't together and it made us too different to be together.

It was a horrible couple of months. Full of tears and anger and eventually yes, acceptance. Perhaps the hiatus in blog for awhile was because I needed to regroup and form my own words to explain how it was for me. But on the way to acceptance, I met a new group of people, who made me see things very differently than the way I see things now. However, being accepted in that social group came together with lots of talk – comes with the territory, you told me once.

There was guys, coming in and out after that. I didn't want another relationship yet, I just wanted to know what I want again – what I needed this time. I told someone that next semester, I'm going to be guy-free. Less hassle, less worry about un-necessary things. despite their cynical reaction, I didn't want to just settle for someone mediocre. I wanted someone who made me feel most like me, made me feel happy again. And I'm going to wait.

Next semester though, I'm moving in my new place. I'm excited for new trials but somehow, I'm dreading because I know how peoples mouth works. When gossip from Penang follows me back home and even here it can hurt me, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it when I'm back there. I'm excited for juniors and I am still torn to either rag on them, don't mind them or check out the eye candy (when it comes to pharmacy, this is pretty impossible but one can hope).

Haters shall be ignored.

Go me. (=

I’ve been on a hiatus, I realize that. I apologize. But I’m really happy today so I’ll emerge out of my shell and write something rambling and meaningless for Alyaa’s sake since she has nothing to read. Haha.

Well lately, when I’m texting I realize that when I don’t pay attention to what I type, I sometimes write things that I’m not suppose to say. As in things that are suppose to be filtered but they didn’t and escaped into my phone. Thank god, most of the time I managed to not slip up and say something that would anger anybody or make anybody confused by my excessive rambling.

But imagine this, I’m texting a long time friend and he confesses something big to me. And I write the first thought that goes in my head, which is normally something really frank and totally unnecessary to say. It would obviously hurt him. And I can’t bear hurting anybody non-intentionally. Yea, so I got to stop this bad habit.

On the other hand, mysteries are unraveling. Things that I weren’t sure off before are totally clear to me now. And surprisingly, I’m fine with it because today, since I’m happy, I am totally in self control and at peace with myself. And I am happy with me and who I am. So I got total faith in me. (:

Faith in me, you shall have.

I watched P Ramlee the musical today. As atikah said, it totally rocked. I loved the costumes, the kebaya nyonya made me suddenly aware of how beautiful big butts are. I finally bought that Stila blusher I’ve been wanting for quite awhile and I got money to get my Aldo shoes! I have turned into a shopaholic. That’s because I have nothing better to do.

I decorated my wardrobe, which I’ve been intending to do for months now. It has a buttoned star covered tree with a little heart in the middle. The edges are lined with green buttons and its bearing stars as fruits and a small red heart button at the trunk. The sky is littered with stars I made out of different things. Some of it are buttons, some are cut out brads and some are stuff I bought from living cabin from the Christmas Sale. I shall post up pictures just to avoid confusion.

I got my results. I am not that happy with it just because I know I can do better. But I’ll settle because I’m improved. Though I hate settling.

I have to learn to go back to my 12 o clock schedule. Damn you for changing my body clock. Ngek. Good night people.

I had a moment of inspiration after rereading Sarah Dessen for the 50th time.

-----

Jason Mraz, I’m yours blast through the speakers in the small restaurant I found myself in on a bright Sunday morning. The place was empty save an old man with a long white beard and scruffy blue cap that was flipping idly through the newspaper, sipping his cup of coffee. The counter was gleaming as a bored looking waitress, obviously a teenager waiting for school to start wiped the counter for the god-only-knows how many time. On the whole, the restaurant gave a homey if rather empty ambience, relaxing me enough to approach the bored waitress and slid onto one of the vacant chairs.

‘Order,’ she asked, her eyes looking elsewhere behind me, probably thinking of the things she can buy with the money she would get at this little gig.

I picked up the old menu, the edges already torn and curled up, even if I already knew what I was going to get since before I stepped in. ‘a plate of scrambled egg and toast, please - And a cup of coffee.’ Outside the restaurant, a cardboard advertisement boasted of the best scrambled egg in town and toast so crispy you’ll definitely come back for more. Granted, I wasn’t one to believe in advertising that easily since I knew it was a bunch of corporate people shoving lies to the community, waiting for someone to just gobble that junk up, I really did feel like scrambled eggs that morning.

Just the thought of it made me snort with silent laughter and the waitress turned to me, glaring as I destroyed her time of silent wishes. She grabbed the menu out of my hand roughly and walked off, calling back over her shoulder, ‘your order will be right by.’ Then she settled at the other end of the counter ready to dream her next dream with her faraway eyes and her head propped on her hand.

But it cannot wait, no more, it cannot wait, I’m yours, croons Jason Mraz.

It certainly can’t wait. People are in such a rush these days to declare their undying affections and love. When in reality, love is just an emotion used as an excuse for stupid decisions and a get out of jail card for arguments. Yes, I’m a cynic, so what?

The waitress put down my cup of coffee messily, the drink sloshed against the cup, the hot liquid dangerously close to spilling. I opened my mouth to give her a piece of my mind, but my phone vibrated, interrupting my acid tongue, giving her another chance. She ambled off to serve the other customer and I reached into my jeans and pulled out my phone.

You have 3 new text messages, the phone cheerfully informed me.

‘I know you don’t like me that way. But I needed to try. I broke up with her. She’s not as nice of a person that you think she is. You’re not picking up my calls or replying my messages, you must have somebody else there. I’m very sorry. I love you. Please believe me. Take care.’

I sighed. My fingers already poised at the delete button. How ironic. I hate people saying they love me when they don’t know even know me. In my head, I heard my best friend telling me, ‘There was this guy who was calling me to talk to you. And when I told him that he should just get lost, he said that you don’t need to know their favorite color to love them. How weird.’ 

Instead of deleting it like I should, I pressed the next button.

‘babe where you at now? Everyone is worried and I don’t know when the right time to tell your family that their darling daughter just packed up and left. Check back before I make a missing persons report.’

Courtesy of my best friend whom was the only one I told I was leaving a week ago. I needed some time for myself, to figure out what I needed to do, to see myself in the eyes of my friends. I just wanted to run. Escape all the drama for awhile. It was wearing me down and making my bones ache, so I decided that the road trip I’ve always wanted to take was calling me.

I pressed the next button and there it was the shortest but deadliest message of all. The one I’ve been dreading.

‘Hey, what you up to? Haven’t heard from you in awhile.’

I stashed the phone back in my jean pocket. I didn’t want to deal with this right now.

The waitress came back bringing my order, ‘here you are. Enjoy your meal.’ Then she left me alone to brood with my thoughts.

I picked up the fork she provided me and distractedly caressed the smooth top. I’ve always had a silent fascination with cutleries and the smoothness of it all. The smell of the eggs wafted up making my stomach growl, demanding to be fed. The eggs tasted mediocre.  I could’ve made better ones back at my apartment. Unfortunately, thoughts of my apartment led back to the people constantly coming in and out, making me flinch.

I spread the egg on the toast that’s true to its word, the perfect amount of crisp. The front door jangled, and grateful for any distraction, I turned to the door.

I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason, to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the season, continued Jason Mraz.

The gods must be against me, I thought, mentally banging my head against the wall. I went on a trip to avoid him, and there he was, 30 miles away from civilization looking as though he meant to come here.

‘Hey,’ he said simply to me.

‘Hi,’ I replied, then eating the toast to avoid any further conversation starter, my eyes roaming anywhere but his direction.

He slid onto the chair next to mine, and the waitress, who was grouchy before flounced towards him with a big teethy smile pasted on. ‘Hi! Welcome to Last Chance! May I take your order?’ suddenly all perky.

I wanted to hit her.

He smiled at her and I could see practically hear her inner swoon. He flipped casually through the menu then pointed to my plate and said, ‘I’ll have whatever she’s having. Thanks.’ Closing the menu and smiling at her.

She turned to me, snarling, muttered bitch under her breath and flounced off. I disregarded her comment; I was used to stares and snarky comments whenever he was involved.

At this point, my mouth was stuffed with the toast and I could barely chew, I just wanted to finish it and get out as fast as I could. It was either a fight or flight. And I would take the latter any day. My hands were already reaching into my bag to pull out my wallet when he broke the silence.

‘I searched for you for days. Nobody knew where you were.’

I nodded, agreeing. That was the point. I didn’t want people to find me. My hands were shaking, not wanting to hear what he was going to say.  I could barely find anything in my bag. My normally organized bag suddenly a jumble of mess and I was all thumbs.

‘I figured you were angry at me.’

I shrugged, refusing to give comment, refusing to look at him. I was still searching for my wallet, and slowly, slowly I was beginning to register what was in my bag instead of being hyper-aware of the boy next to mine.

The waitress came back, all too fast this time with a cup of coffee. ‘Here’s your coffee. I’ll be right there if you need anything.’

‘Why did you disappear? I went to your room and even asked your scary roommate.’

Ah success, my wallet now safely in my hand, I grabbed my bag with the other and stood up, still not looking at him. The waitress who retreated to the other end of the counter was watching our little scene. Or more likely, watching him.

As I expected, he grabbed my arm and I pulled back sharply. I knew him all too well to anticipate his next move. Then I headed straight to the cashier and paid for my bill. He sat down slowly, as if not believing that I’d ignore him. I kept my head down, tucking my purse back into my bag and started walking out, still not believing that he’s right there.

‘Why are you ignoring me?’ he asked softly, when I reached the door. His voice which I was so used to hearing the past few months telling me secrets under the blanket of stars was sad. ‘I miss you.’

I hesitated, my hand on the door handle, but couldn’t bring myself to push the door open. I stopped, and stared outside. My bag which I slung over my shoulder in a hurry started slipping down and I let it fall to the floor still not moving to him. It was as if time stopped and only he and I existed in that little rustic restaurant.

He made no move towards me, and I didn’t either.  I guess we were scared that if either of us moves, it’ll break that fragile bubble that developed over us.

I didn’t want to deal with it. Not right now. So I bent down, picked up my bag, and pushed the door open. I could hear he take a sharp intake of breath and without turning around, I said softly, slowly but surely.

‘I miss you too.’

Then I walked out, swallowed by the bright light flooding through, that bright Sunday morning.

I’m back to my old ways

Tomorrow going back to my roots

Leeches and nyamok galore

Gotta remember that they’re just in the natural balance of life

Hey I took blood before, they can take mine

A 3 day respite at Taman Negara

I can deal with that

At least it’s far away from everyone who’s giving me a headache

I hate you

I hate them

Isn’t it ironic that they say, there’s no time for hating?

I’m going to make the best of these 3 days

I am vacant.

I am there but not there.

I am listening but I don't hear.

I am smiling but it doesn't reach my eyes.

'Hatiku berat melihatmu tidak senyum'

'Lawa hari ni, tapi macam tidak kesampaian lawa tu dalam hatimu'

'Senyum la sikit'

Thank you for being there for me. You – the one who is so crazy about football and rugby and other sports known on earth. The one who lets me brood, surrounded by people making stupid jokes even though knowing I'm not really there with you. Your midnight call cheers me up even slightly.

And you – the one who loves his friends so much. I admire your loyalty, for trying to make me smile. Making me eat –caring. I can't give you my heart, I can't promise you I'll ever do but I feel like you know me better than I do sometimes and that's the least I can give you.

And then there's you. The one who won't hesitate to complain about anyone under the sun just to back me up. I feel like hugging you and never letting go because you're so big. Your naiveté is so refreshing, your child-like grace fills me to the brim and I am full just by you smiling at me, reassuring me that you have my back no matter what.

You've been missing for awhile. I missed you – so much more than you realize. Perhaps so much more than I realize too. Maybe I have come to depend on you more than I should and that's scary because you always tell me that friends come and go. I hope you're not talking about yourself because I don' think I can lose you anytime soon.

And the other entire silent you's. The ones who messages me they love me everyday – I love my love people too. The one who is getting to know me – smiles at my shyly. You who were important to me in the past – but your love has long gone.

And you – the most pivotal you of all for you were the one who brought me down. You respected me as a friend, as a girl. Perhaps I didn't see how much you did until I was connected to someone from your past. Thank you, for treating me right. God answered my prayers, perhaps not in the way that I hoped for. But Allah did nonetheless.