I admit, there’s something exciting about standing at the edge of the cliff now knowing weather the wind will push you right off the edge or a friend will pull you back. Ok ok, perhaps I could come up with a better metaphor that will not make you guys think that I’m trying to kill myself. Let me rephrase:

I admit, there’s something exciting about standing at crossroads where two different paths will lead you at two different places entirely. Like Robert Frost said in the road not taken, I am at crossroads. Part excitement and part fear is fuelling my adrenaline rush, pushing and spurring me on to make my decision.

Every path I left behind me I leave my footsteps as memories with random strangers I met, greet and left behind in my journey. True, there have been some that were loyal and stuck through me through every path I made trusting me to make the right decisions on this unknown journey. However, these people are rare and I leave more people then meeting the few singular faithful ones.

And perhaps there were times where I could have wandered down the wrong path filled with prickly bushes and unknown mysterious that could have devoured me whole and lead me astray. But often enough, god loves me to have a kind stranger call out to me and make me realize my foolishness. Better be safe than sorry in this journey, I say.

Yes. I believe that I will probably only take this path once because knowing how way leads on to way, I will probably never be at the same crossroad. And I wonder, will I meet interesting people on this road? Will I feel the hardship of being thirsty and have thorns stuck onto my palms. Will I get blisters from walking too much?

Oh, I am at crossroads and I am embracing it wholeheartedly.

When people get into fights, they always talk about the justification of the blow and glorify the moment as if that strike of violence solved the problem. Perhaps there is something satisfying about seeing someone down on the floor for something that they probably deserve and letting go of that rage inside you. There is something just so gratifying looking down on your opponent, feeling tall after you’ve won.

What they don’t talk about is how your knuckles get bloody and raw and the skin ripped out of that and you’ve got to live with it till it heals.

Battle scars fucking hurts.

It will end here with me. I don’t hold grudges and I don’t hate you. Thank you for telling me what you needed to, but you know that it was just a selfish act on your part because I had my closure a long time ago and it doesn’t change things. The past is literally haunting you and it is not my responsibility anymore to care or to fix you.

You made your bed - now lie in it.

Sometimes I don’t understand you. You pretend to be so strong, too stubborn and too confident for everyone’s good. And coming from me, who’s pretty stubborn herself, that’s pretty much saying a lot. I know you. I know you inside and out. I know how you act, how you think, how you want people to treat you like a princess all the time. Well guess what, you’re not.

You make the decision and you sway. Perhaps only the strongest of people can make up their mind and not go back on that. But your indecisiveness irritates me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been away so long that you think I’d coddle you. But I’m won’t because I’ve grown stronger and I understand the consequences of certain important decisions you’re suppose to make in your life. I won’t coddle you because it isn’t what you need.

It irritates me how you manage to still go back to him when I can’t even look at him in the eye anymore. And doesn’t the fact that I don’t want to be around him and not wanting to hang out with him mean something to you? Just tell who you’re supposed to tell and end it already won’t you. I hate how its killing you and it annoys me. It annoys the FUCK out of me that made this decision and consequences despite my advice.

Being a doctor has its job hazards. You’re the first in line in a pandemic, the ones exposed most to pathogens and bacteria and viruses not to mention diseases that are present and spread in the hospital itself. They tend to be more paranoid about things, because education becomes their own general knowledge and becomes a belief.

For instance, my sisters and I always joke that my aunt, who’s a doctor, only ever has bad news because she’s always surrounded by sick people who needs a cure. And when you tend to be sick, you tend to be depressed and out come all the bad news and information. You know people’s deepest darkest secrets because only in certain conditions can certain cases ever arise. That’s why the doctor confidentiality clause is so important.

It’s depressing talking to my aunt because she’s always telling us to be cautious and she herself is quite strict when it comes to health and cleanliness, because she’s more aware. Like being lectured about the radiation on handphones. About the diseases you can get when food is not washed properly or when you don’t drink enough milk or don’t get enough nutrition. It’s a job hazard.

And I pity my sister, because while sitting down talking to her. I expressed my own concern about the ever growing fact of how you can never really trust people, about the rampant cases of sexual disease especially in Selangor. You can never ever be too sure where that tongue, or hand or whatever body part has been with or into. *oh err gross, sorry* I pity her because now that I’m almost graduating and my other sister is coming back soon with a doctorate degree (fingers crossed), she’ll be around depressing people ALL the time now since we’re both in the field!

But I admit, it was funny to see her all harassed and asking questions that she’ll just get annoyed when I answer because its so vague and just what other people would answer too. After all, it isn’t always I get the upper hand on her.

Thankfully, I had enough strength and will power to hide this from you. You shall never know how stupid you were that night. You’ll never know how many people feel like thrashing you for what you did to me. And you, you will never know how fiercely loyal I can be towards someone I care about. All you deserve is a taste of my goodwill and kindness that I didn’t spread the word on what you said to me and what you wanted to do to me.

You know why I didn’t tell? It’s because they love me. And I am scared for what will happen to you if they knew.

‘Looks like you’re strong enough to survive.’ He said to me as we lay down on the mat, watching the stars.

The night was windy, and the beach was crowded with people. Some were fishing. Some came with extended families, their kids digging holes in the sand and making sandcastles. The moon was full, and bright. It overshadowed the stars that were shining but yet I was still searching for it. I knew there was still there, just that their brightness; their light was just over shone for a night.

‘What’s surviving?’ I finally asked after 10 minutes after silence.

‘Well...’ he started off, hesitantly enough knowing I was in the mood to debate. ‘You look presentable. You’re smiling. You’re out. You’re not depressed.’

There was this light in the horizon, at the edge of the beach that intrigued me, was that a cruise ship? I remembered a random fact someone told me once about how the law about gambling didn’t apply on the people on the water.

‘That’s as far as you know.’ Then I smiled and pointed to a star that was finally uncovered by the dark cloud. It was going to rain soon. ‘Look, isn’t that pretty? I haven’t watched the stars in over 6 months. Isn’t it strange? That I stopped being your friend, then I stopped watching the stars. Do you think its connected?’

‘I think everything in the world is connected if you want it to be.’

I turned on my stomach, put my head on my hands and stared at him ‘Even me and him?’

‘Especially you and him. Don’t worry, Miza. You’ve doing great so far. Just another few more months and you’ll be out of here. Out of my life too. Is that what you want?’

I cock my head and look at him, then I turn back on my back and stare at the sky, searching. ‘I don’t know what I want.’

Scene 1, find sight of house, sees Zharif’s car parked innocently up front. Oh, Zharif’s here! He’s a regular fixture at the house these days. House doesn’t even seem to be complete without his boyish charm and lame jokes. Walks in house, to find all lights switched on. Walk in kitchen, to see Kakyun, Zharif, and their friends, Busu and Jay pigging out on leftover wedding food. Mama and Ayah walks in, followed by a hassled Kak Aida who goes straight to her room to charge her dead phone. Light conversation and laughter ensues.

Goes upstairs to shower.

Scene 2, goes down to find them playing guitar hero. Oh I miss the beloved guitar hero. More laughter ensues. Walks into Kak Aida’s room to find a stack of fantasy books to fully satisfy myself and gourmet chocolates! Then walk out, and continue playing guitar hero.

Oh I miss home. The comfort, the love, the never ending support laced with sarcasm and with a ‘I’m right’ attitude at all times. Can I hole myself in the house for the entire week?

The year 2008, I had everything. I achieved everything I wanted, including finding love, getting into the deans list, getting new jeans I absolutely love, plenty of new books and my beloved Alice, my pink iPod which is able to predict the future. But then I loss love, and I loss myself along the way too.

I was home sick even before my family dropped me off and went home. I ached and yearned to be happy and alright again. I don’t think I’ve ever been on this all time low before in my entire life and no matter how much new clothes and new shoes or new gadgets I get, it won’t be able to replace this feeling in me. The feeling of losing myself. 

 I guess I wanted to believe that it’ll be a better semester, better year. I started off my year staring at something that I can’t have anymore and trying inescapably to not cry. Somewhere off in the distance of my thoughts, I had my friends on my mind, wondering if they’re starting off the year better than I was.

And what I learned as a summary of 2008, is that I’d rather have myself than all these material things trying to cover up for what I lost.

So my new resolution is to find myself, a new better me, a place among these new hot stuff, find my strut and walk the walk again. Happy new years everyone.